worship team moments

ok, I'm semi more awake now and was just thinking of funny moments from this conference... and interestingly enough, they mostly involved something to do with the worship teams. I've always been closely involved with worship teams, so it's no surprise that I talk with them so much. but there were just some moments this week that had me giggling. :) (ok, basically that happens every week, but I'm just remembering this week right now)



let's see what all I can remember. I think Wed. was a pretty normal day. but I have a non-worship team moment that I just remembered. it was during lunch break and I had gone over to where H.I.M. was having their luncheon so that I could actually have some food to eat. it's common knowledge amongst my friends & people I work with that I speak Chinese. and honestly, I don't see it as that big of a deal. it's just something I do. haha anyhow, I heard Minoska say to Alvish (one of the guys from Mozambique that Heidi Baker had brought with her) "you practice your Spanish and I'll practice my Portuguese." I said to Minoska "you do that! you practice your Portuguese! and I'll practice my... uhhhh.... English?" I started laughing. :) then Minoska said "but you speak Chinese!" and seriously, like 5 people whipped their heads around in surprise. I hope they didn't get whiplash cuz of me! I tried to make it sound like nothing, but from the moment she said that, they were very interested in me... lol that was my funny moment Wed. I'm sure I giggled at Gabe for some such thing or another. it happens... maybe too often. haha

Thurs. Kenny was leading worship... and seriously, I LOVE his voice... and he's SO FUNNY. in the morning I was too tired to really get into anything. I think I said hi to him in the morning really funny or something. that's something I would do. haha before evening service I saw that him and his whole band was on stage with their music pages out all over the floor and I rushed up to go see what songs were on for the night. mind you, this is AFTER Gabe and I had gone for a caffeine fix at Coffee Bean. so I was UBER caffeinated (that was my 3rd caffeinated drink of the day). so I kinda bounced onto the stage and was being goofy. fortunately so was everyone else. Gabe said something about his butt being so big that he couldn't sit down.. which resulted in me laughing hysterically at him and him pretending to be offended. and Kenny, wow... he asked the worship team which of two songs they wanted to play. it was unanimous for Choose to Fly and he pretended to be offended and just threw the music down for the other song and said "fine! it's crap! I see how it is! we'll just do Choose to Fly.... just throw it out! we don't need it! ever again." we were all giggling. then we finally got to getting the songs in order but then he'd start distracting himself and say the names of songs and be like "oh, wait... no, not that one". after much confusion and people looking over other people's shoulders trying to figure out what was going on, we got the order figured out. then Kenny said "and the rest we'll throw at Sam" and everyone started throwing their extra music sheets at Sam the bassist (there are two Sams... gotta be specific which one. and saying "the Euro" doesn't work as he's from Belgium and the other is from France). weird times, they were. I laughed. :) anyhow... my caffeine fix resulted in me sending a stupid text to a few people and it had to do with the worship team. seriously, it was a big joke. anyhow, it's common knowledge that I love Kenny's voice. I told him the first day he led worship along with Steve way back when. it's also common knowledge that if any guy were to cause me to turn to white guys, it would have to be Mac Powell of Third Day , or someone equally amazing. seriously, I LOVE his voice! it makes me melt... haha anyhow, I sent a few people a text that said something like "omg, if Kenny weren't white and married.... wow!" they were shocked AND thrown into hysterical fits of laughter cuz of it. I blame the caffeine. but really, I'm not attracted to him in that way. I just love his voice and think it's great that he's a big goof. :)

Fri. was actually pretty normal. or maybe my moodiness made me immune to weirdness? I don't remember any moment of laughter that day. I remember frustration with songs being played that I'd never heard of and computer equipment going insane... I think I scared poor Darlene when she came in to ask if I had the lyrics to a song Dante wanted to play and I was freaking out cuz it was 10 min's til service and the computer was going insane...

for some reason, I was giddy silly from the moment I got there Sat., so it started off with me and Ray busting up at Linda's lack of ability to spell and get the names of songs right. so when I got the worship set from Cassie, I told her that if I didn't find the song "In Will Stand" in my database then they couldn't sing it. she bust up laughing. then I told her I'd have to change all the occurances of beautiful as apparently it's spelled "Bueatiful". Linda asked why we were laughing so hard... she didn't find it as funny as us. LOL the afternoon was pretty calm but in the evening during rehearsal I was back stage eating something and I was laughing so hard cuz everyone was goofing off and Linda was trying to be serious and was getting so frustrated with them. it's normal for their group. they're so goofy! <3 them!

Sun. morning with Kevin Prosch and his band... we were all there bright and early with lack of sleep and no food/caffeine. so we were all a bit goofy. our "re-introduction" to each other (that I described in my previous blog post) was pretty funny. I was also running all over the place trying to find different things for them... and randomly switching between English, Spanish, German and Chinese while talking with Jenn... HAHAHA in the evening I was stading around being a "pest" cuz I needed to get papers signed by them and I had to put tape on his keyboard and computer. most of the time I was up there, Kevin was teasing me and giving me a hard time about stuff. it was pretty funny when someone would tell him to do something or ask him something and he'd say "yes. wait, uh, what'd you say? I wasn't listening." hahaha he did that several times.

anyhow, those were my worship team moments from the weekend. I hope they made you laugh. they really were funny moments, even if you don't think so! :-P HAHA

brain lag

conferences are amazing.... but they are so tiring. not just physically. emotions become raw. little things affect me, big things I either laugh at or they drive me to the brink of my emotions. this conference was more of a roller coaster than usual. I had been studying all of the Mon. and Tues. before it, so I was already tired. Wed I was fine... Thurs. I was on a major caffeine rush for most of the day. I really shouldn't have had THREE caffeinated drinks. I know my body and that just doesn't work for me. so, by the end of dinner break I was kinda bouncing off the walls. I was trying to get food in me to counteract the effects of the caffeine and it just wasn't working. then I sent a random, REALLY WEIRD, text to some people that sent them into fits of laughter and shock. seriously, I was beginning to scare myself. hahaha went out to K-Town for dinner with a few people. that's when my caffeine crash came. although, I partially blame the way I felt on Gabe's driving. ;) anyhow, Fri. I planned to make it through the day with no caffeine and survive. I made it through the day but was moody as heck. I was also exhausted. and of course, that's the day that stuff just kept going wrong. I wasn't much fun to be around for big chunks of the day. I broke down when the keyboard and mouse on my computer went insane shortly before the service began. it was AWFUL! and people kept asking me if I could check if I had the lyrics to this or that in time for service, but I couldn't do ANYTHING and was really stressing out. I survived the day and made it home and went straight to sleep. Sat. I was feeling good. I woke up in a not awful mood. I was awake and not requiring caffeine, but decided to have it "just in case". the day went pretty well til dinner break when I kinda broke down. I was upset about something that happened. I say I was "angry" but really I was hurt by the whole situation. I later let him know and said that I'd like to talk about it some time. we'll see how that goes when it happens. then there was this huge misunderstanding about a DVD and I was frustrated as I was trying to follow what I KNEW was going to happen but people kept insisting that they knew what needed to be done with the DVD and in the end I gave in and then it made the problem bigger. then there was another misunderstanding with sound and somebody tried to lay the blame on me. I was semi-defensive when he did that, even though I know exactly why he did try to blame me cuz I would have done the same thing... HAHAHA besides, I had rushed over to save him in the first place. I just didn't expect him to catch on to the blame game so fast. I got home after that day and even though I was tired I read for a little just to relax. Sunday was... well, I was tired in the morning (7:00am call time) but I was at the point of being so tired that I'd lost my mind. LOL what a PERFECT way to meet Kevin Prosch (for the second time. him: "were you around last time I played?" aka about 10 yrs. ago. me: "yeah... I was the one that did the overhead projector for you, sitting on stage". him:"ohhh... yeah.... ha ummmm... good seeing you again?" me: "HAHAHAHAHA".). yeah, fortunately I'm not the kind of person that gets intimidated by "famous" people. so I didn't care that I was acting like a goof and not always making sense. :) he called me a "pest" once, jokingly, too. yes, he was joking! I also put tape on his computer and keyboard... LOL anyhow, yeah, I survived the conference and went home EXHAUSTED. I slept in real late today and then now I'm awake but my brain is asleep. I'm sitting at the cafe trying to convince myself to do my homework but I don't think it'd be a good idea to do it with my brain in "brain lag" mode. so I'm wasting time til I feel I'd be able to do it. oh my gosh!!! I've been here for 1 1/2 hrs already... *sigh* I need to get this stuff done~

ok, this is a really short blog post... but I can't think... and I highly doubt you'd want to read ALL that happened during conference. besides, I don't want to mention too many names of people... so, yeah... til next time! :)

A Little Longer

I was listening to my iTunes and this song came on and I just couldn't stop listening to it... I think I listened to it like 10-12 times in a row... (FYI... I tried to upload it as a song but blogger only accepts videos... so I found this on youtube. just listen to the song... I'm sure the dance is nice, but I'm here for the song. haha) anyhow, this song is by Brian and Jenn Johnson. it's called A Litte Longer and it's on the CD We Believe . you REALLY oughtta buy it... all their songs are... WOW! =0)

Break Time!!!

you know what's hard? trying to do a homework assignment without knowing what was covered in the book... that is what I've been trying to do for the past 2 days. I'm gaining ground... but some things are just not working out for me. I mean, how am I supposed to answer "while playing chess with her father, why did the girl lose?" if I didn't even know there was a girl and her father and that they were playing chess?!?! yeah.... not so easy. my head hurts now~ probably doesn't help any that I have like a million things running through my head right now and I don't feel like concentrating too hard on anything. music usually helps me but even that isn't helping any right now. and I've spent like 3 out of the past 4 days in this cafe and am debating putting a big tip in their jar.... they deserve it. and they're really nice people~ :-)

I woke up late today... I was feeling yucky. I couldn't sleep last night cuz of pain... I think I took too much medicine and it made me groggy and dehydrated. BLECH! it felt good to finally leave the house, though... but my poor kitty didn't like it when I left. she misses me. poor thing~ I spend more time with her now than I did in China. but then again, she had more room to move around in China. my BEDROOM was bigger than where I live now... and I had a whole other bedroom, living/dining room, bathroom and kitchen (which I always kept closed... cuz she'd break into my bread! lol). poor thing must feel claustrophobic.

you know, I always find the reaction people have when I say I brought my cat back from China quite intriguing. yes, I know it's random and interesting that she's a REAL Chinese cat... but people make such a big deal out of it. my bro's dog was from Korea. we both import our animals. lol but my cat is a Chinese cat through and through. she doesn't like dairy products or chicken... her favorite is tuna fish. oddly enough, she doesn't like pork all that much either. but she will eat random pieces of bread and crackers. maybe she's just weird? I also talk to her in Chinese ALL THE TIME. she actually does understand, too. of course she feigns not understanding when she knows she's in trouble, though... (either that or she hides as best as she can)

anyhow.... ummmm... I'm sitting here listening to my iTunes. people think I'm random... they'd think I'm even more random if they listened to my music as i do... my whole play list on random. gosh, sometimes the transitions are hysterical. I have such an odd mix of music and love it all. and I sing along to it normally... sometimes even while I'm here at the cafe. which is probably a bad thing, but I don't care. you should see me walking through Trader Joe's! I'm entertaining and rub off on everyone else.

I'm still trying to kill time before I get back to studying. I need a mental break... but I get so bored online. really, I do. unless... hmmm... YESSS!!! I'm gonna look at ethnologue.com . that should entertain me for a while. and I'll actually be learning stuff! (not anything I need for school... but I still find it interesting) after that, I might look at linguasphere.com . gosh, I'm such a nerd... I entertain myself online by reading about languages. but hey, if I enjoy it and I'm learning something, why not?! :)

Caution: I'm Hot

this is going to be a "photo diary" of some sort. well, not really... it's just a bunch of pix of things that I will never forget about China. they're not going to be shown in any particular order and doesn't even scratch the surface of how many pictures I WANTED to put on here. anyhow, I've been "homesick" for China the past few days and this is how I'm going to release that homesickness. I do hope you enjoy the pictures.


I got the title for this blog post from this first picture... as I recall, this picture was taken at the McDonald's in Qingdao... we were downstairs (as opposed to upstairs) relaxing after a long evening of walking and shopping at the night market. I decided to get a hot cocoa (yes, random, I know) with a pineapple pie (YUMMMM!!!!!) and probably some french fries. anyhow, we found the cup hilarious. :)


this is my "freakin' dork" pic. actually, a friend and I were "climbing" at Laoshan in Qingdao and it was THE HOTTEST day ever ever. we were sweating in places we didn't know we could sweat. haha by the end of the day we had sweat soaked clothes. quite disgusting. but I'll never forget that trip!

my school! I can never, ever, ever forget this place. and not just because I spent 24/7 there. haha

YTETDZ (Yantai Economical and Technological Development Zone) Tian Di (earth and sky) square. just a short walk from my home.

the fruit and vegetable market. this building used to not exist and the fruits, vegetables and meats were sold out on a dirt road right in the general area. this building wasn't built and used til either late 2002 or early 2003.

food everywhere! sooooo easy to get food. that's probably why I ate so much in China. haha (this is actually outside of the fruit/vegetable market on the street that used to be a diry road where the market used to be before)

"the blob". the mysterious sea creature that would creep you out by touching your leg while you were swimming but you couldn't see it despite being able to see all the way to the ground. me and my friends/students would throw these at each other.
Christmas year around. hahaha yes, there were literally Christmas decorations up year around. this one is special to me as it was at school on the front gate on the way out of school.

"ayi". I miss her so much... and the little shop. I spent so much time there. she sold it after I moved away. :(

Starbucks at the Forbidden City. it actually no longer exists... and by the time I tok this pic, the big sign advertising it no longer existed.

my "body guard". oh how I miss him. I'd spend time goofing off with him at the front gate to the school when I had nowhere else to be but didn't want to go home. he's a really sweet guy and I hope that he moves up in life.

the trains. I took trains all over China... this is what a typical "hard sleeper" looks like. 6 bunks to a cubicle, hardly any sitting space... and no space to walk. so many memories on trains...

Christmas at school. our "Christmas party" was always a BIG deal. we started preparing late Oct. early Nov. for our Christmas performances. the kids always did a great job... and I now can not stand the song Jingle Bells (one year I taught it to maybe about 4 different classes) and we had to sing it daily throughout Dec. and most of Nov. until we had it down perfect.
random English activities with my students. I miss my students and Kelly (who has now changed her name to summer...), my best friend and assistant teacher.

Jackie's Cafe! a restaurant conceived in Dec. '00. started in a small little place off the beaten path with about 5 or 6 tables. they got so much business that they had to move up in the world and took a few months of to decorate their new place. and it's AMAZING! they get such good business that they don't even open for lunch anymore. I miss Jackie and Harry. :(

random banquets in my honour. tons and tons and tons of them. this one was small.... but I always ate so much. too much yummy food... and some not so yummy food. this banquet wasn't "high stress" as it was a going away banquet with just some leaders from my school. typically, banquets involved government officials.

Guilin. breath taking. literally. I've never seen such beauty that literally took away my breath. but this place did it to me. I don't think I could ever get tired of Guilin and it's beauty. God's creation is AMAZING!

the Great Wall, off the beaten path. I only went to the touristy part of the Great Wall once or twice. that was MORE than enough for me. thousands and thousands of people and the wall was all restored... I wanted the real thing... and I got it! it's a terribly difficult walk... and taking the short cut is only safe if the season hasn't been rainy. but it's amazing.

putting Princess in quarantine at a "wild reserve"... and being shown these baby tigers (9 and 7 days old) and 4 three month old white tigers that they tried to sell me... and 3 baby monkeys. oh... I didn't get to just "see" them. they let me play with them. there were also full grown tigers and lions, but they were scary and we tried to avoid getting too close to their cages.

da mao and xiao mao. I miss these guys SO MUCH! :( their mom is "ayi" from the pic way up above. they were always at the shop working and I'd go there to bug them and we'd hang out for hours on end. this pic was actually taken outside the shop while we were goofing off. they're "freakin' dorks" :)

Qingdao. I went there several times a year. not really sure why... shopping, I guess. but I loved the beach and walking through the older parts of Qingdao. most tourists go to the newer part of Qingdao and to the parks there and whatever. I was happy to just walk around the old part and walk along the beach and go to the night market on the beach.

so yeah.... that brings my "photo diary" to an end. I really would love to put lots more pix, but I don't want to bore you.

10 things you don't know

10 things about yourself people might not know


1. I LOOOOOOOOOOVE soccer. I don't care what language it's in... I could watch it all day. In 2004 during the EuroCup I lived in China and got absolutely no sleep the whole time... Time differences SUCK. I'd stay up to watch all 3 daily games, the last one would start at 3:30 am. One time I fell asleep during a game and didn't know it and actually dreamt the whole last half of the game. I woke up in the morning SO ANGRY at the result of the game. When I turned on the tv to watch the sports news I saw that the score was different than what I thought it was. I started watching the clips and realized that... nothing I remembered happening was in the clips. And, in fact, I didn't remember anything that they were showing. Finally realized I had dreamt the whole last half... I was so confused...

2. I use random quotes from tv shows, commercials and movies... but 99% of the time nobody knows I'm actually quoting anything. They just think that I'm saying something stupid (cuz I do that quite often too). Usually when I finally tell them I'm quoting something, they look at me like I've lost my mind cuz they don't get the reference. And I always pick the most obscure things to quote. Seriously now... Can you HONESTLY tell me what movie "oh no, not again!" is from and what the scene is?!

3. I can't concentrate in absolute silence. If it's too quiet, my leg starts shaking or I start tapping a pencil or something and I can't think straight. That probably has something to do with why I do so bad on formal tests. But I do perfectly fine in nature... probably cuz it's never absolutely quiet in the mountains, desert, forest, beach, etc...

4. I used to have a lisp. My "s"'s always came out sounding funny. In elementary school I had a speach therapist, who is the stepmom for a girl that was on Kids Incorporated. I'd always say my "s"'s right in class... but it took a lot of work to say them and made my jaw tired, so I'd only do them right if I was speaking in front of people. I kept my lisp through jr. high and then decided that I had to get rid of it in high school. During a class in high school I had to read a poem that had a lot of "s"'s in it and it was really difficult for me to do it so I had to slow down... and my teacher marked me down a little cuz she said I didn't read it fluently enough. >_<

5. I feel weird around large groups of white people. Always have. Most of my close friends have been of other races. Black, Mexican, Chinese, Filipino, Syrian, Vietnamese, etc. In school, most of my classmates were not white... I lived in China for 4 yrs... and my church is VERY multicultural. I'm just not used to so many white people and actually feel physically uncomfortable being around them. I also notice more when there are lots of white people around than when I'm the only white person.

6. When I'm really tired, I default to using Chinese or really bad Chinglish. In China I always tried to speak proper English and my rule in class was that Chinese was not allowed... and I NEVER spoke Chinese in class. Til my last year there when I was exhausted (try being the only foreign teacher for K-12) and it was just easier for me to say something in Chinese if they didn't get it the first time around instead of repeating over and over again in English using different words. So, ever since then I started thinking in Chinese when I'm tired or when I'm stressed out or trying to figure out how something's going to work out.

7. My work space has to be PERFECTLY in order when I first get to work and when I leave (unless it's my desk at work... in which case, I have just way too many things and not enough space, so everything's in piles) but can be in all states of disarray throughout the day and not bother me a bit. I spend my first couple of min's in the office straightening up my desk and the lats few min's before leaving putting stuff in their place. I know I do it at the end of the day so that I can see I've completed everything I needed to do for the day. Not so sure why I do it first thing in the morning... Fresh start?

8. I'm afraid of bees... Not the "AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! run away" kind of fear. I'm just afraid they're going to sting me when I don't know they're around. I have no problem being around bees and I think they're beautiful... but the THREE times I've been stung by bees were totally unexpected. Once I got stung between my toes at a July 4 party, once I landed on a bee while doing a cartwheel before gymnastics class out on the front lawn and lastly one fell in my hair when I was playing under a tree and I thought it was a leaf so when I went to take it out it stung me.

9. I love cooking but hate cooking for just myself. I could cook all day long and have so much fun and not care about the cost if I'm cooking for at least one other person than myself... but if I'm hungry and nobody else is around, I'd much rather go get something from the store. It's not that I'm lazy... I just find it pointless. It costs more to buy all the ingredients for me to cook my own food than it does for me to eat out and so I'd rather just eat out.

10. I love lightning. And thunder. I love to feel the rumble of the thunder and seeing the lightning crash in the sky. But what I really love is the lightning I experienced in Yantai. So amazing... so I just found a picture of it online and am gonna include it. Seriously, these are how our lightning storms looked. And I say "lightning storms" cuz they didn't always include thunder... or even rain, for that matter. And why doesn't anyone ever believe me when I tell them that?! Then they experience it and they're like "wow!!!!!!! I've never seen that before!" And yes, I say "I told you so!"

Ok, I'm supposed to tag people now that are supposed to do this 10 things about themself... but I don't even know who reads my blog or who writes blogs... So I'm just gonna ask YOU to write 10 things about yourself that you think I don't know. :-) That should be interesting.

what DO I want?

right now... I want food... but that's probably because I just realized it's 2:00 and I haven't eaten all day... and I just turned on the local channel for the province I lived in in China and they were just talking about food... YUMMY FOOOOOOD!!!!!!! I <3>

ok, subject change. QUICK! before I keep talking about food. HAHA the weirdest things happen to me. seriously. I think if anyone else were me, they'd be quite confused. but I'm used to odd things happening, so I mostly just think "huh... that was odd..." and then quickly forget about it. like yesterday, for example. walking in to work I was going the opposite direction of a lady with her dog. a cute, big dog. anyhow, I started getting close to them and the dog looks at me and sits down and watches me pass. the lady looks at her dog, thoroughly confused, and looks at me and laughs awkwardly. I didn't know what to do... cuz, really, I've never had a dog suddenly sit and watch me pass by it and the owner look so confused. so I just smiled at her and said good morning. then, I'm in the office and I barely have the computer on for long enough to open my work e-mail to start checking it when the electricity goes off. it was actually really funny to me and all I could do was laugh. I had a little bit of work that I could do while waiting for it to come on, which I did. apparently a HUGE area went out. anyhow, it turned back on in about an hour. that wasn't too bad. during lunch I went to Starbucks to read my Bible. when I was just about to leave Starbucks I looked up and saw a little girl across the room waving at me with a huge smile on her face. her mom looked at me with a smile that showed she wasn't quite sure what was going on. I looked away to finish getting all my stuff packed up. when I looked up again, the girl was STILL waving. so I smiled at her and started to leave. she continued to wave at me. so, as I was wlaking out I said "bye" and her smile got even bigger and she waved harder and said "bye bye bye bye bye bye...." it was cute... but random. haha :) I don't think anything else much happened that would be considered unusual to me... but then again, I'm used to weird things, so what I consider normal may be completely out of the ordinary.

ok, the other day, a friend of mine kinda expressed how angry she was, on my behalf, with a guy friend of mine. she said I deserve someone that would do anything to make me happy. and honestly, I always say that to everyone else... but why is it that I don't really WANT a guy that would do whatever I want him to just to make me happy? I couldn't fall asleep last night as I was thinking over this. I mean, it makes sense. I KNOW I deserve a guy that wants me to be happy... but what does that mean? yes, I'd be incredibly happy if he did something I knew he didn't want to just to make me happy. but if he did that all the time? no, I wouldn't like it. and since we're just friends, I can't expect him to go out of his way to make me happy... even though we're "just friends". gosh, it's all so confusing. anyhow, I'm not really writing this to write about him but rather to explain why I wouldn't want someone that would always do stuff to make me happy even though it doesn't make him happy... that's why I'm writing. so, enough about him. this applies to ANY guy in my life, even just friends. I don't want a guy that would ALWAYS do stuff just to make me happy... reminds me too much of my dad and how much of a push over he is. he'd do anything for my mom even though it wasn't in her, his or the family's best interest or if he REALLY didn't want to do it. I know he wasn't always happy doing it. I think there's a healthy balance. finding it is the hard part. another reason I don't want a guy that is always trying to do stuff to make me happy... I've had way too many obsessive guys interested in me. it's overwhelming and sometimes frightening. frightening because, some of those guys have turned into stalkers... and that's not normal. DUH! anyhow, this is the reader's digest version of why I don't want a guy that does EVERYTHING to make me happy... and until I'm actually in a relationship with a guy, then it wouldn't be appropriate for a guy to go out of his way to do too much for me. I mean, at least in my head. but who knows... maybe some guy will come around and sweep me off my feet and totally blow that idea. for now... I'm choosing to not think about it all...

why am I watching a Chinese infommercial? haha ok, I just tried to change the channel and it won't work... :( probably cuz it's an even more local channel and the signal isn't good. ok, since I keep talking about watching Chinese tv, I might as well tell you WHERE I'm watching it... it's a program called PPLive. you can click here... http://www.pplive.com/zh-cn/download.html and then go to the little arrow next to the green box. you can download the program in English, so it's not gonna be in all Chinese. the labels in English are kinda funny... but it's all good. :) sometimes you can find really good American movies playing on there.

well, since I'm no longer writing about anything interesting... I will now stop writing. how's that sound?

tired or sleepy?

I've noticed that in English we don't always necessarily see the difference between the words "tired" and "sleepy". at this moment, I'm definitely TIRED. not really sleepy as I went to bed early the past two nights, despite having major lack of sleep issues over the weekend. I challenge you to use the word that best fits in the future. in Chinese I always clarify whether I'm tired or sleepy by using the proper words... but in English, even I tend to use tired when meaning sleepy. perhaps you've encountered me saying "tired tired or sleepy tired?" after someone says they're tired. it's because I'm trying to clarify what they mean exactly. sometimes they get confused at the question, other times they have to think about it for a second before they're sure.

so yeah, I'm tired... I think I last blogged on Friday? well, after that I rushed off to the bus stop so that I wouldn't miss the bus. I ended up being 15 min's earlier than it was scheduled to come... at which point it did NOT COME!!!! I was waiting for the bus for an absurdly long time, in the cold... I didn't get home til midnight. it was horrid. then I woke up early on Saturday so that I could go do laundry. rushed off to my friend's wedding cuz my ride had to leave early to help set up for the reception. I was planning on sitting and relaxing but they needed my help, so I helped. outside... in the cold cold wind... with not enough clothes on... and airplanes on the runway next to where we were setting up. insanity! the wedding was BEAUTIFUL. I mean, it wasn't extravagantly decorated or anything. it was just beautiful. simple. then we rushed back to the reception site to finish setting up. as we were driving there, it started raining. welllll..... half the reception was supposed to be outside! I ended up helping with check-in until I finally had to force myself to leave. I missed out on all the festivities. :( I got back to CalPhil and ran into problems with missing tripods and then people taking my camera position so I had to rewire stuff... and it was just a mess and tiring. so I got all that taken care of and then had to teach our light person how to "cut" as I needed to go to the other room to run the camera and so I had to direct him by headset. the performance was nice. :) afterwards, I helped with the tear down ad setting up of the stage for Sunday morning. once I finished that, I was going to go home despite knowing I needed to re-rewire the camera again. I knew I wouldn't be motivated to do it in the morning so I ended up doing it... which resulted in me being there til after 1:00am. I "slept in" on Sunday. I think I finally woke up at 6:45. haha after church I had 2 meetings and then church again. BUT we finished early, so I got to go to bed early! YAYYYY!!!! =0) yesterday after work I went to Trader Joe's to do some shopping for cell group on Wed. I ran into way too many people yesterday. haha ok, not "too many" until you count the last person I ran into. so, at Trader Joe's I first ran into Ray who works with me in video. then I ran into Simon. he works there now. it was weird/cool running into both of them. I finally got on the bus to head back home and at one stop I saw someone I knew from before at HRC. my first thought was "AWWWW CRAP! Christmas guy!" I had no escape... I was cornered... for the whole ride home I had to listen to his theories. (if you really want to know about Christmas guy, you can ask... but it's not that interesting)

so, today I was supposed to go with the 7th grade class on a field trip... but the principal asked me to stay... why? cuz she has time management issues and didn't bother giving me stuff to do weeks ago when she first knew about it and instead waited til the last second as she needed it for tomorrow for a meeting. I wanted to scream! I was expecting a day of going out and relaxing and not being stressed. instead... I was stuck for about an hour with absolutely nothing to do... then, it turns out what she had wanted me here for took me like 15 min's to do... and then, when school was almost over, she "remembered" that I needed to have something else done for tomorrow. ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!! my head hurts...

how pitiful... I just got bored with my own blog post...

I tried taking a break from the blog and coming back to it... doesn't seem to be working.

oh wait! ok, so yesterday I was reading my Bible. book of Daniel, to be specific. and I was reading the Chinese first (well, as best as I could despite not knowing ALL the characters) and then reading the English so that I could clarify in my mind just what the Chinese translation meant. I was in chapter 2 when I came to Nebuchadnezzar saying the phrase "wo yi jing wang le", in regards to his dream, which means, "I've already forgotten". so I went to read the English version and got TOTALLY confused.... the English version said "I have already decided". he said it a few times, too. so weird. I'll figure it out eventually, even though a certain Chinese friend of mine was absolutely NO HELP in bringing any understanding to why it would be translated in such a way. :-P silly boy.

anyhow.... still bored... or maybe just overloaded from my day... either way... I'm done for now.

Thanks. Sorry about that.

:-) Thanks.

ok, so I haven't been writing much lately due to the fact that I have no internet at home. BLECH! but I'm currently sitting at a computer with nothing to do for the next few hours other than listen to the CalPhil rehearsal... which means that I'm going to make good use of this time by doing nothing of consequence. the theme for tomorrow's performance is... St. Patrick's Day? ok, basically they're playing Scottish (Braveheart) and Irish music (Riverdance) and saying it's theme is St. Patrick's Day... bagpipes are interesting. almost as interesting as the didgeridoo. (watch this video of someone playing the didgeridoo! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DC9w4KWEgJE)

seriously, didgeridoos (is that REALLY the plural form? ok... I still have dictionary.com open, so I can check easily... and yes, it is the correct form) are amazing. basically, you have to be breathing in AND out at the same time. I think it's called circular breathing... a quick google search provided me with this... http://breathing.com/articles/circular-breathing.htm I think being able to do that is quite impressive, if not freaky. haha

anyhow, tomorrow is the wedding of 2 friends of mine. I've known the bride for 17 yrs (ACK! I'm so old! haha) and the groom for about 3 yrs. wow, how time flies! I'm exited about the wedding... too bad I won't be able to stay at the reception due to needing to be here for the CalPhil performance. from what I've been told, the reception is scheduled to last til MIDNIGHT! what?! they're not even Mexican! they're asians! sad part is... it's not like I can come do my work and then go BACK to the reception as I'll actually be working til after midnight. big time suckage. I bought a new dress the other week without any intentions on wearing it to the wedding... but after much thinking, it has been determined that I shall wear it. hopefully I'll be dressed to impress. =0)

what is it about me that makes people say weird and random things to me... thanks. I mean, do I just bring out the oddness in them or what? which is perfect because July is summer. or maybe it has something to do with the fact that I also say weird things and they become accustomed to it and it kinda rubs off on them. perhaps I should write a blag about it. sorry about that. maybe I should sleep on dave.

hahaha sorry if the last paragraph totally confused you. it's pretty much several inside jokes mixed into one paragraph of weirdness. maybe I shouldn't be left to myself and typing for extended periods of time. I tend to come out with some REALLY ODD things. well, at least someone will be able to follow what I say... I mean, other than myself and God. haha

you know, I've found the perfect way to study Chinese AND the Bible! I have a Chinese-English Bible... and the need to study both Chinese AND the Bible. soooo I've decided that I will study Chinese by studying the Bible. ok, let me explain. I sit down with my Bible, a Chinese-English dictionary and a notepad & pen. I read the verse(s) in Chinese as well as I can... when I come to a character I don't know, I write it down and try to figure out the meaning of it... I also try to find the character in my dictionary. of course, finding the characters is sometimes time consuming. for example: today I got through 4 verses and still have about 4-5 characters that I need to figure out how to say in Chinese (which means I need to continue trying to find them in my dictionary). that took about 20 min's. of course, I was interupted by a phone call during that time asking me for some information & to do something as well as telling me what to do about something. but still... 20 min's?! well, at least I'm learning Chinese and reading the Bible... and ENJOYING it! that's the important part. :)

I just had Ding Dongs & Vanilla Coke... you'd think I'd be on a sugar high... except for the fact that I just pigged out before that so I think it really didn't affect me at all. which is NICE as I don't really feel like being up til all hours of the night tonight~ ok, well... I'm gonna have to stay up anyhow since I'll be here til about 10 (God, please let them finish early!). yesterday I decided to have coffee in the morning before work... bad news bears! I haven't had coffee in a while. so I was quickly BUZZED. and just a few short hours later, I was on a caffeine crash. keep the stuff away from me, please... =0)

alrighty, I think I'm done rambling. feel free to leave me rambling comments!

sorry about that. hahahaha

flow of thought

apparently I have a weird flow of though. ok, not so much "apparently" as it is "definitely", but still... so right now my friend, Dani D, keeps coming up with words and seeing how my flow of thought goes. it's actually pretty funny to see where my thoughts go. perhaps partially because I tend to remember odd/funny things in life and keep that association for long periods of time. seriously, I can't even think of the words Twinkies or Sparkling Cider without remembering a specific WEIRD night in the mid 90's. or try mentioning anything that has to do with 90's era Jim Carey and have me not associate it with certain people at church (lol Dani, you know who I'm talking about!)... it just ain't gonna happen. so I'm actually enjoying this chat session of weirdness. not so sure if she's following my flow of thought but whatever. it's fun to me. :)

now I've got random thoughts in my head about America's Next Dance Crew, Wii, Super Smash Bro's Melee, basketball and cleaning wipes, amongst other things. the worst part is, I'm at a coffee shop/cafe and can't laugh out loud to my thoughts even though things are seeming pretty funny to me right now. I can't even look at my cup of cinnamon steamer without wanting to giggle about something! seriously, it's bad... but hey, at least I always see the happy side of things! I mean, even when I'm sad/angry I can still find something to laugh at. even if it's just the ridiculousness (is that a word?! checking dictionary.com to find out.... ok, yeah it is) of the whole situation.



now that I'm looking at the word "ridiculousness", I'm thinking of another word that I SWORE was not a word but it was in my education text book. anyhow, I've come to discover it is a word and is used in British English. I honestly think that we should start implementing it in daily life and see how long it takes a word to spread in a community. I'd like to take it on as a sort of sociolinguistic study (yes, I'm kinda serious about that... I've told you numerous times before, I love anything about linguistics... and sociolinguistics just makes it all that much more intriguing to me!). so, if you can find it in you to assist me in this sociolinguistic study (without you, I couldn't do it), could you please help me spread these words in daily use?! I'd be ever so greatful! just let me know if you're in and then report to me the first time you ever hear someone use one of the words and what the situation is. like, whether it was within a short time of you using the word with them, several hours/days later or whether it was someone that you never used the word with. wow, I really would like to take on this study... crazy. anyhow, here are the words:

problematise/problematising/problematisation: To propose problems, or make into problems



ok, enough about my plight to take over the country by using British English in every day situations. LOL ;) seriously though, I do tend to use British English in the oddest of situations. I also take on accents or local things very easily. try having a full conversation with me without me using "eh" or "y'all". and no, I've never been to Canada... and I haven't been to Texas since the early 90's. and that was only for about 5 days. it's even evident in my usage of Chinese. I typically have a pretty strong Shandong accent when talking with mainland Chinese people. but I do adjust my Chinese when speaking to southern Chinese people or Taiwanese people as I think they'd be totally lost at some of my pronunciations of words. heck, even some of the people in Shandong don't know some of the words I use because they're local Yantai pronunciations/phrases. more than once have I asked someone who speaks fluent/very good Chinese "do you know what _____ means?" just to make sure that it's not a local thing and I've totally lost them with what I just said or am about to say.

perhaps that is why it's difficult for people to place what nationality I am...? very rarely do people assume that I'm American. I find it odd and intriguing. I think I've written about this a little bit before... but I don't care~ you get to read it again. :) in China, it was often assumed that I am Russian. I know, I don't look like a "typical" American and there are lots of Russians in China, so it was semi-ok for them to assume that. but when it came around to Chinese people asking me if I'm Chinese or even Korean, things got weird. one time I asked "do I LOOK Chinese?" and the person said I could pass as a north-western Chinese and since I have very good Chinese pronunciation (meaning, not like a foreigner) that it was possible. when I was asked if I was Korean, I pretty much said the same thing. the person who asked me said that I looked Korean cuz I have light hair (most Koreans in my part of town had dyed their hair) and because I could speak Korean and Chinese. I guess that excused that one... but what about the time someone assumed I was Japanese?! THAT was weird... a few people have also thought I was German, but that's kinda normal. besides, I did hang out with Germans every once in a while. in Korea, I had a Scottish guy insisting that I was Irish. that went on for 2 months, daily. I guess I had an Irish accent? and one of the guys I worked with there would always tease me. I mean, I already knew I didn't act American at that point as I had been in China for 4 yrs... and I had taken on a weird way of speaking in English due to never being in fluent L1 (first language/mother tongue) speaking situations. also, I'd been out of touch with American culture for that whole time and knew a lot more about Euro/Asian stuff. he said I didn't act American... and when it came to certain songs that he'd listen to, he would be shocked that I knew them as Americans typically didn't even know the song or the band... this mostly happened when Westlife (my favorite boy band... perhaps just cuz I heard them so much in China? but then that'd mean I also like N Sync, BSB, Britney Spears and SO MANY others that I don't like at all... so go fig.) would come on and I'd start singing along. anyhow, since being back in the states I've had lots of people ask me what country I'm from. most commonly they would say Germany or Israel (yes, for real! lots of people have asked me that. is it the nose and hair?! lol). I've also had a couple people ask if I'm from South America.

ok, enough about linguistics. I seriously talk about language stuff way too much. I'd talk about teaching, too... but it's more interesting if you've known my students as my stories are hysterical if you know the context. and if you know much about my students... I'd say you're a stalker! LOL

so, now I'm gonna sit back and decide if I should study for a while, read for pleasure, go eat something or go to Target and do some shopping before heading home. Target is a must some time before going home. studying and reading are just there for the "fun". and eating... well, I'm not really hungry but probably should eat. and I don't want to go home too late tonight as I actually have work tomorrow (had the "day off" in a sense... long story short, it's supposed to be teacher-in-service but instead we're having it off and are supposed to do self reflection) and I don't want to go in to work tired. I've been doing good for the past 2 or 3 weeks and would like to keep up the trend of staying awake in class and not always being sleepy. the kids like me better that way, too. :)

Grover

last night Ana and I watched The Nanny Diaries after a long night of flat tires, eating, not knowing what to do, etc.... I actually had walked it a few weeks ago but was glad to watch it again. it's a really cute movie. pretty girly, which is kinda unusual for me, but I enjoyed it.

so, during the breaks in the movie (we were watching it online from a Chinese site, so the video was broken up into 20 min segments that sometimes lasted longer as the internet wasn't always working at high capacity) we would be discussing how we felt about the movie or looking at H & M magazines.

anyhow......... I just asked Ana for a subject for this blog post and she said "Grover", after I already scrapped her first 2 choices of "money" and "Emergen-C". lol and yes, Grover has totally everything to do with The Nanny Diaries!

in the movie there was a kid named Grayer (I feel bad for him... what a stupid name!) and Annie, the Nanny, in a moment of bonding with him said they should have secret names. he didn't like the secret name of SpongeBob, so they went for second best and called him Grover. I'm really not sure why, but it's prety close to his real name so that's probably why they used it.

really, while we were watching the movie we felt quite bad for people that live in family situations such as "Mr. and Mrs. X"'s family. they basically abandon their kid to be raised by a live-in nanny so that the father can pursue his high paying career & other women and so that the mother can have "me time" while all along pretending to be the best mom ever even though she basically knows nothing about her kid. what kind of complexes must these kinds of families have?! the kid... abandonment issues. the mom, no self respect. she chooses to turn a blind eye to her husband's infidelity just so that they can keep up the image of a happy, rich family even though there's nothing happy in that family. and the husband... I don't know, it's just wrong.

Annie the nanny brought up a good anthropological point at the end of the movie. she said something to the effect that one cannot observe a culture without influencing the culture. she had partially gone into the nanny job hoping to observe their culture but in the end knew that just her being there influenced what happened.

I know, I know... all my posts end up about China, so here it is: many times people go into China saying that they want to observe "untouched" China. they go into it like an adventure, wanting to see China as it was, without the influence of western culture. at present, there are not many places in China that are untouched by the outside world... and these travelers that go in to see "authentic" China go in totally blinded to the fact that JUST by them going to the places that have been untouched by outside influences, they have influenced the exact culture that they wanted to see "pure", causing it to change. I know, kinda deep. I also would LOVE to see these cultures but would also like for them to preserve their current culture. so, how does one go about visiting these unvisited places without changing something about them....? I have no clue. I'd think it's virtually impossible unless there were some way to observe them for extended periods of time learning all the little nuances of their culture, including language, and then going into it acting as one of them. I guess that would take a lot of determination, though. and even at that, if it's such a small community they would still know that you're coming in as a stranger and they would change accordingly.

ok, semi-subject change. in China, one time, I had a long talk with a friend that is in the communist government about my Father. he was very interested and asked me many questions. actually, that discussion was really deep and involved about 3 of my Chinese friends and a few of my American friends. towards the end of the conversation he had mentioned that he wanted to believe but couldn't because he is communist. one of my American friends came to me flabbergasted and frustrated on how the conversation ended. she was wondering why he couldn't believe and be communist. she already knew the legal reasons but wondered why he just couldn't do it and not say anything. I asked her how she had changed when she believed. then I asked her if she thought that any person who SERIOUSLY believed could go on in their same ways without changing at all. the light bulb clicked at that time and she realized what I was saying. so, even in his low level of understanding he knew that just accepting what we had said would result in a change in himself that others would notice even without him saying anything, resulting in some kind of repercussion. I wish I were still in touch with him at this time but I don't have his e-mail address. maybe that's a good thing. I know that he knows the truth and I hope that one day things will change in his life. another time I had a LOOOONG talk with a kungfu master friend of mine. he randomly came up to me and asked me why, in the Book, my Daddy sometimes calls Himself "we". it totally caught me off guard and I tried my best to answer his questions with my Chinese skills (his English skills are virtually zero and my other Chinese friends that were there at the time also had very low English levels) but every question lead to a deeper question and I was soon at a loss for words cuz I didn't know them in Chinese. I quickly ran into the shop (my friends' parents' shop) to get their tiny little English-Chinese dictionary. it helped for a period of time... but the questions kept getting deeper and deeper and I had to run across the street to get my dictionary from home. but even at that, the Chinese words were even new to them so we were all learning new words and I was EXPLAINING these new words in Chinese. it was an amazing experience. the kungfu master is still a kungfu master and practices qigong , but I know that all I was saying to him sunk in & made perfect sense and that one day it will resurface in his life as truth. I'm also no longer in touch with him as he doesn't have internet. but all "the guys" will always be a part of my life and I miss/love them. <3

I'll end my randomness now.... mostly cuz I think the internet just turned off on me and I'm at a cafe. haha I'm gonna try to post it now and if it doesn't work, I'll just have to wait til tomorrow.

this morning

this morning, while on the bus, I distinctly remember thinking about something I really wanted to write about in this blog.... but now I can't remember at all what it was about~

I think today's events screwed with my brain! haha yesterday I was asked to substitute for 1st grade. I was all prepared and ready, mentally and physically. I get into class and Rosa, the other computer teacher (who was told she was to substitute for 7th grade today), comes in and tells me that she's covering 1st grade and I was needed in 7th grade. I walk into 7th grade and there's a sub in there already. I was momentarily confused... until I realized why I was urgently needed up there. the sub is very soft spoken and doesn't control his class well and is inexperienced. so basically I was assisting him. all morning the jr. high kids walked all over him. Rey threatened 6th grade and said if I gave him a bad report about their behaviour that he'd give them a 1,000 word essay. by the time they got in there, I already had a headache. anyhow... they were good until... I was called out for a phone call. I came back and they were just ok. then I got called out on ANOTHER phone call. when I got back, they were slightly louder than they had been. THEN I got called out again... I went back just to see how they were doing (I was actually officially on my lunch break at by that time) and they were SO LOUD and hadn't finished their work but had packed up their stuff. I'm telling you, my head was pounding!

BUT during lunch while I was on yard duty I found out that one of the classes I'm supposed to teach computers to today (actually, at this very moment) isn't here today. so I've got a free period to rest my mind. maybe I should take an Aleve to help it out a little. seriously, I felt bad for the sub. I wanted to help him out by keeping them quiet (honestly, all 3 classes behaved very well yesterday while I was co-subbing with Rosa) but he's going to be a frequent sub and I don't want to usurp his authority. I think he was a bit intimidated by me being in the class as well. when I'm in "teacher mode" I can be a bit intimidating. unfortunately, the students do know some of my weaknesses on how to get me to bend. but mostly they deal with it and still consider me a "nice" teacher, even though I actually make them do more work than their regular teacher (yeah, I really do... and they complain at first. but then they do it and they're fine. haha)

so now I'm resting my brain and hoping that 7th grade doesn't come in here totally off their rocker since the sub is in there with them alone right now. I'm sure they've taken over the class... I think I'll give them something creative to do... oooo, I know! A BLOG! yesssss... they're gonna start blogs on tumblr and I'm gonna have them give me their blog address and I'll check it out every once in a while. WOOT WOOT! I came up with an idea that I think they'll enjoy. I better make sure tumblr.com isn't blocked, first. that'd totally kill the whole idea! YAY!!! not blocked! =0)

my ankle hurts... last Monday I twisted it. and, of course, I would happen to twist the ankle that I've sprained several times before. I bought a brace for it. that does help... when I WEAR it. haha it wasn't hurting so bad yesterday so I decided not to wear it today. guess what! I think it didn't hurt too bad cuz I was wearing the brace! yeah, I know... I'm a bozo. :-P believe me, that's not the first time I've done that either. usually it has to do with knee pain, though.

you know what sucks? not having internet at home. it's only day 3 of no internet at home and I'm already frustrated. but I NEED to have internet available to me for work & school purposes, so I guess I have reason to be frustrated. I have to lug my laptop with me all over the city just to get to a cafe with free wireless. gee.... what will I do when I don't feel like actually getting dressed and going out but I KNOW I need to get online?! that won't be any fun... I thought about getting a wireless network card but for unlimited usage it's $60/month. too pricey for me! but seriously, I might need to get it... *sigh*

ok, this post has ended up being a bunch of ramblings. I actually have plenty other things I could ramble about but am not sure if I will due to the fact that... it's not really that interesting! I AM kinda stuck here for tutoring til about 4:30 so maybe I'll just save this post and continue typing on it later as I have to prepare for 7th grade's coming. unleashing them in here without already knowing what's going to happen in advance is typically a bad idea. there have been one or two instances in which I came up with a lesson AS they were walking in the door... and those were lessons that they were most interested in. I really hope they take to this blog thing. I think it'll be fun for them. we'll see....

yeah, that didn't work... well, it did but it didn't. my brain still hurts cuz we were on lockdown due to a car chase. 7th grade was in here during the time and we turned on the tv to see why we were on lockdown... and we got to watch the chase go right down the street past our school... woohoo... >_<

one child policy ---- no more?

so, yesterday I was perusing the internet news via fark.com (as always) when I came across a bit of news that made me HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY!!! I saw the headline "China to Change One-Child Policy" and I KNEW I had to read it! so, here's the link to the article http://www.time.com/time/world/article/0,8599,1718772,00.html?xid=feed-rss-netzero for your reading enjoyment.

seriously, it makes me incredibly happy to read that. China would be such a different country right now if it didn't have this law currently in place. the article estimates that if this law had never existed there'd be 400 million more people in China. that's just an estimate, which I'm sure doesn't include the countryside numbers. and just to clarify, that does NOT just mean that 400 million babies were aborted. it means that millions and millions and millions of BORN, healthy, living babies were drowned or suffocated or abandoned and left to die.

it's heart wrenching enough for me to imagine abortion. I know people that have had abortions and its not easy to live through. even today, I was reminded about the miracle of life as Rey (my co-worker) was looking at what a 22-week old fetus looks like and reading about its development. he was doing that because his wife is pregnant. anyhow, yeah... a baby is a miracle of life and there's really no excuse for abortion as that IS murder.

but seriously.... in China a lot of people would go full term, have the baby... and then kill it or abandon it. ESPECIALLY if it were female. I don't even like thinking about that.

but I'm praying that what this article claims will actually come to life and that children's lives will be spared. working with all the precious children in China, this means a lot to me. they are deserving of life! and their parents shouldn't have to be forced to murder a child or pay fees that are well over their YEARLY wages, every year, just to be blessed with multiple children.

there are so many other benefits to having more than one child. but I won't go into all that cuz it'd most likely bore you to death. it's just stuff I feel passionate about after living in China for so long.

did you know that before the one child policy was in place, Chinese families were typically very large? it wasn't uncommon to find families with 6+ children. what a huge difference from such lareg families to families with only one child!

ok, I'm going to stop talking about all this because I'm not even sure if you're really interested in it...

Why?

why don't you just tell me how you feel? why do things have to remain a mystery? why are actions speaking louder than words... and words not speaking at all? why are you afraid? why do I sit back and wait? why can't you see how I feel? why has nothing changed? why am I afraid? why are things the way they are? why doesn't anyone help? why don't you SEE it when people try to help?

when will things change? when will you know? when will it no longer be so confusing? when will now no longer matter? when?

I wish I knew why... and when...

just a few thoughts...