non-caffeinated, half awake, but sincere thoughts

have any of you ever found their mind double before? I mean, someone that is SO MUCH like you that it's fun yet creepy... I once did while living in Korea. my "little bro", as I still think of him, was in the band I was working for. whenever we were around each other we'd drive everyone around us crazy. we had the same sense of humor and we often thought the same things at the same time. creepy, yet entertaining. we even had a lot of the same interests. same style of music, taking pix, heck, we even both learned German. I've missed him and his friendship. over the past few years we haven't really been in touch much. lots of stuff has happened in his life and I semi-think he's ashamed to talk to me. major big things happened and I can understand why he'd be ashamed. but I still love him no matter what and I'm praying for him. he did what he did out of fear. I don't know if he regrets it or not, but the fact that he's not talking to me says a lot. anyhow, I'm going way off on a tangent I was not expecting. I meant to be going on the fact that we're a lot alike. I've missed that connection with him. I've actually never had a friend as close as he was and we became close in such a short time. I was only there for 2 months. we knew and understood each other's thoughts way too perfectly. like I said, fun yet creepy. the thing is, most people would assume that when you're that close to a person that if you're of the opposite sex "obviously" you're gonna like the person. definitely not the case for us. we just liked spending time with each other. he had a g/f (who totally broke his heart and I'm still mad at about that) and he always knew who I was interested in. we helped each other out in that arena as much as possible... and also teased each other to no end. I fully deserved it! haha

anyhowwwwwwwww..... all this has to do with events from this past week. I've been "forced" into a friendship with someone and just this week we discovered how much alike we are. on top of that, we were practically around each other 24/7 because of the circumstances. so yeah, we got to know each other really well. we didn't even have to talk at times to communicate. there were times when it was very convenient and then other times when it was uber creepy ("GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!) and the rest of the time it was just fun/funny. I'm glad to once again have a friend around that is like me and can understand my thought processes. but yesterday I felt like I had a leash around my neck and a muzzle keeping me from being who I am. it was awful. I could almost physically feel the tension. it had nothing to do with anything between us personally but rather the presence of a third person. that third person would be his girlfriend. I think she is a really nice girl and have tried to get to know her. but I don't think she trusts me. I feel bad because I would never intentionally do anything to mess with their relationship. I am not interested in him in any way other than a friend and I'm quite sure he feels the same way about me. I want her to know that but to also know that he is my friend and I do enjoy talking with him and goofing off. because we seemingly share the same brain at times, I can understand how unnerving that could be... anyhow, I felt so bad yesterday when she was in the room and we just couldn't be ourselves. I don't think it was even intentional that it happened that way. we just stopped talking. but then she'd leave the room and we'd go back to normal. I thought maybe my sleep deprivation and caffeine rush was making the whole thing more exaggerated and was trying to ignore it... but even a 14-yr-old girl that had been in the room the whole time mentioned it to me and said the tension in the room was really thick and that it seemed everyone was uncomfortable. all I really want is for him and his girlfriend to have their relationship and for our friendship to not affect it. but I don't see how that's going to happen. I feel bad. it's not like I want to be best friends with him or anything. I'm not gonna call him during the week unless it's about work. I might text him random things, but it'd be something he'd understand and could laugh at (most likely) or be about work. I just want our time together at work to be a relaxing and fun atmosphere, as it has been, and that we don't have to adjust who we are to prove to others that there's nothing going on between us. we just have to deal with the fact that we're a lot alike and can get along well... and will probably drive each other crazy at the same time cuz I'm figuring we also have a lot of the same weaknesses/downfalls. we already share this stupid workaholic tendency. (Homer Simpson: "I'm a rage-a-holic. I'm addicted to rage-a-hol!" I guess that makes us addicted to workahol?)

enough about that... Gabe's a pastor now. really, I saw this day coming for years but could never imagine it. I feel bad that I missed his party. I went for a few minutes, but as soon as I got down there my brain went fuzzy and I realized how tired I was. maybe I should've just had another Rockstar? NAH! I'm surprised I had all that caffeine yesterday and Sat. and that I was actually able to fall asleep at night. that's how exhausted I was. so yeah, Gabe's a pastor. it's going to be a while before I grasp that concept. I still have problems not refering to him as Goober! I wonder if calling pastor Goober would soften the shock of it? but I'm prooud of him and glad that he's willing to take these steps. and YES we want to have a studio and make movies and then... and then... AND THEN AND THEN AND THEN! I didn't quit my job teaching at a school to sit at a desk job all the time. I wanna help make this all happen. somehow I've always felt "comfortable" in the industry. even with the band in Korea, everyone was a little surprised at how relaxed and natural I was in all the situations. it was a fun adventure that I'll never forget. I love music and I love being in a fast paced environment and I don't think of "stars" as special (they're just people, darn it! haha), so I'm very relaxed when it comes to working with famous people. wow, I don't know how I got on this subject...

a few weeks ago I got a new chiropractor. last Thurs. I was in SO MUCH PAIN. I can't believe I made it through the day. I only cried once. I think that was the miracle of the day. so yeah, I'm having lots of adjustments done on my neck/back. he's also determined that during my car accident 2 1/2 yrs ago I either stretched or tore a ligament in my knee. gee... that's info I could have used 2 1/2 yrs ago! even in June before going to Tijuana I was feeling really guilty about my knee still being so sensitive. I was wondering if it was just my imagination and that my knee isn't actually that bad. normally when I travel I'll bring a knee brace with me just in case I'll be doing stuff I'm not sure my knee can handle. but because of that guilt I decided not to bring one on the trip. knowing what I know now, I'm grateful we didn't play soccer then even though I bought new shoes just because I thought we might have the chance to play soccer. (yeah, I LOVE SOCCER!!!) if anything happened I could've really screwed up my knee and when I play soccer, I PLAY SOCCER. I did do lots of construction, though. and I know exactly what I did that I shouldn't have. I was kneeling a lot to do drilling. any time I could maneuver my body so that I didn't have to be kneeling, I would... but I guess I had already messed my knee up by then as it hurt quite bad for several days (I had a noticable limp) and is still achy right now. I'm doing a lot better about taking care of my body now than I was even just a year ago... but I still need to learn not to push myself too far. I hate not being able to do stuff and admitting it. I mean, I can physically do it, but I shouldn't as it causes me much pain in the long run. and that's what I hate admitting. so I have a tendency to push myself to the point of no return and then I have nobody to blame for the pain but myself.

ok, I don't know what else to say. I woke up at 7:00am this morning out of habit. I almost cried. I tried to get back to sleep. I was in and out of sleep for about 2 1/2 hrs. most of it was spent me being wide awake, whining in my head at the fact that I'm exhausted but can't sleep and I didn't even have caffeine this morning. haha of course, around the time I woke up people around the house started making noise and made it even harder for me to go back to sleep. it sucked. I am feeling relaxed today, though. my plan is to go get a massage tonight. I love massages. I think I'm addicted to them. I wish I had a cheaper addiction. but I guess this is a necessary addiction, so I don't feel as bad about it. and I do limit myself as to how often I go (unless I'm in China... then I go whenever I darn feel like it! haha), so I guess it could be worse. before going for a massage... maybe I'll just go and sit at Starbucks and read. that sounds relaxing. I wonder how many hours I can waste doing that.

well, I'm off now... I haven't written a blog in several weeks and want to start getting back into it. just wish I had the opportunity. I really do hate not having internet at home. it makes life inconvenient. oh well. I can deal with it.